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::Golden rules
for finding your life partner::
by Dov Heller, M.A. |
A
relationships
coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
evaluating the prospects of
long-term marital success. When it comes to making
the decision about
choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a
mistake. Yet, with a
divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many
are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!
If you ask most
couples who are engaged why they're getting
married, they'll say:
"We're in love." I believe this is the
#1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may
sound "not politically correct," there's
a profound truth here.
Love is not the
basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When
the other ingredients are right, then the love
will come. Let me
say it again: "You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love alone."
You need a lot more!!!
Here are five
questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding and keeping
a life partner.
Question
#1:
Do we share a
common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're
married for 20 or 30 years, that's
a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
to do with each other
all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You
need to share something
deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life
purpose.
Two things can
happen in a marriage: a. You can grow together,
or b. you can grow apart. 50%
of the people out there are growing apart. To make
a marriage work, you
need to know what you want out of life! The
bottom line is to marry someone
who wants the same thing.
Question #2:
Do I feel safe
expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person? This question
goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means
you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good
communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't
get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings. An abusive person is someone with whom you
feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan
to marry.
Question #3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is
someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How
can you test? Here are some
suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are
they serious about improving themselves? A teacher
of mine defines a good
person as "someone who is always striving to
be good and do the right
thing". So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement.
There are
essentially two types of people in the world:
a. People who are
dedicated to personal growth and
b. people who are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put
personal comfort ahead of doing the
right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.
Question #4:
How does he/she
treat other people? The one most
important thing that makes any relationship work
is the ability to give. By
giving, we mean the ability to give another person
pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who
enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves
and self-absorbed?
To measure this,
think about the following: How do they treat
people whom they do not have to be nice to, such
as waiters, bus boys,
taxi drivers, etc.? How do they treat
their parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have
gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you
do nearly as much for them? You can be sure
that someone who treats others poorly, will
eventually treat you poorly as
well.
Question #5:
Is there anything
I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married? Too many people
make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to
"improve" that person after they're married. As
a colleague of mine puts it: "You
can probably expect someone to change after
marriage for the worse!" If you
cannot fully accept this person the way he/she is
now, then you are not ready
to marry that person.
In conclusion,
dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The
key is to try
leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as
objective as possible when you are dating; to be
sure to ask questions that
will help you get to the key issues. Falling
in love is a great feeling,
but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,
you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Another
perspective... There are some
people in your life who need to be loved from a
distance.. It's amazing what
you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time
with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships. Observe the relationships around
you. Pay attention. Which ones lift
and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and
which ones discourage? Which
ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones
are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better
or feel
worse? Which ones
always have drama or don't really understand,
know, or appreciate you?
The more you
seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love
and truth around you...the
easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row
and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African
proverb states, "Before you get married, keep
both eyes open, and after you
marry, close one eye." Before you get
involved and make a commitment to someone, don't
let lust, desperation,
immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a
low self-esteem make
you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open,
and don't fool yourself
that you can change someone or that what you
see as faults aren't
really that important.
Do you bring out
the best in each other? Do you compliment
and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and
control? What do you bring
to the relationship? Do you bring past
relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past
pain? You can't take
someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop
self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a
life", you won't find yourself
making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for
your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are
the wrong reasons to be in a
relationship.
What
Keeps a Relationship Strong
1.
Trust
2.
Communication
3.
Intimacy
4. A
sense of humor
5.
Sharing tasks
6.
Some getaway time without business or children
7.
Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call,
touch, notes, etc.)
8.
Sharing common goals and interests
9.
Giving each other space to grow without feeling
insecure
10. Giving each other a sense of belonging and
assurances of commitment.
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Sometimes
God wants us to meet a few wrong people before
meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful.
The
worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside him/her knowing you
can't have that person. Don't
waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on
you. |
Tim
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