Laughs of Faith

Laughs of Faith

(Originally collected from joke books and various websites by Bro. Raul Roberto)

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A woman moved into a new house and called the parish priest to have the house blessed. When the priest came, he asked, “Are you a churchgoer?” She said, “Yes, Father, every Sunday until my legs wouldn’t allow it. Now I just have to worship it my own way at home.” And the priest said, “I see, you study the Good Book?” She said, “Of course, all day and every day.” And then, she said to her daughter, “Tracey, can you get that big thick book on the night stand, the one that mommy’s always reading. And Tracey came back with a Sears catalogue.”

Let There Be Light

When you pause to think about what God created — the heavens, the earth, the mountains, the birds of the air and the beasts of the forest, it’s fantastic because it took Him six days. Only six days. That’s how long it took for my landlord to put a new toilet in my mother’s bathroom. And that’s not all — after God made the earth, he flooded it. And the same thing happened to my mother’s bathroom.

Are You Pillars or Caterpillars?

Our old monsignor used to say that the parishioners are either pillars or caterpillars. The pillars hold up the church and the caterpillars just crawl in and out of the church.

He Who Is Without Sin

During a Sunday sermon, the priest said, “Any person in this church who has coveted someone’s wife without shame, let him stand up now.” So, I stood up. The priest frowned and said, “Are you without shame?” I said, “No, Father, but I didn’t like to see you there standing by yourself.”

Knock ! Knock! God Says

A minister saw a little Asian boy walking into this church so he whispered, “Hey, you, Asian boy! This is a white Protestant church, not some pagan temple of six-armed demons! Go away and pray to Almighty God in heaven for guidance.”

Next day, the little Asian boy came and said to the minister, “Hey, mister, I prayed to Almighty God just like you said and while I was on my knees, the Lord spoke to me.” The minister asked, “And what would the Lord have to say to someone like you?” The boy said, “The Lord asked me: ‘Gupta, what are you praying down there for?’ I told the Lord, “Lord, I am wishing to go to Mr. Paisley’s church. And the Lord laughed and laughed hard, saying, “Son, you have no chance — I’ve been trying to get in there for 20 years myself!”

Rhythm And Blues

What is the rhythm and blues method of birth control ? You use the rhythm method. If it doesn’t work, you get the blues.

FishTheist

One goldfish said to the other goldfish, “Do you believe in God?” And the other goldfish said, “Of course I do, who do you think changes the water?”

Faith-Healing

There’s an elderly couple sitting listening to the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart asking for donations and he’s saying, “All you people out there in TV land, with the Lord’s help I want to heal you ! Put one hand on the television and on the other part that needs healing and have faith ! The old lady puts her hand on the television and the other on her heart. Her old husband puts his hand on the television and the other hand just below the abdomen. And the old lady says, “No, Walter, the preacher said, heal the sick, not raise the dead!”

What's In A Name

There was a priest named Roy Fox. One morning, in his haste to visit one of the parishioners, he was caught speeding on the freeway. Unfortunately, he was not wearing his priest’s collar, so the highway patrol couldn’t tell who he was. The priest said, “I’m in a hurry. I’m Father Fox.” And the cop said, “I don’t care if you are Mother Goose, you are still getting a ticket!”

Pope's Infallible

Sergio was in a church in Rome and became hungry. He slid his hand in his bag and pulled out a butter-and-jelly toast but it fell on the floor ... but the toast fell with the butter and jam side up. He rushed to the priest and said, “Father, would the Church confirm that I’ve been blessed with an Official Miracle? The priest thought to himself, “Well, Sergio is an active church member and always puts money in the collection box, and so he told Sergio, “Let me check with the Cardinal.” When the priest got to the Cardinal, the Cardinal said, “Let me check with the Pope.” The Cardinal told the Pope, “Your Holiness, one of our devoted brothers dropped his toast on the floor with the butter and jam side upwards. He wants to know if it’s a miracle. What shall we tell him? ” And the Cardinal showed the Pope the toast. The Pope said, “No, it’s not a miracle. He buttered the wrong side.”

Jesus Knows Golf

One day, Jesus and Moses were playing golf but nobody knew that they were Jesus and Moses because they were clean-shaven. Jesus said to Moses, “Moses, give me a seven iron.” Moses gave him a seven-iron and Jesus gave it an almighty swing but the ball landed in the water. Jesus said, “Go get the ball Moses.” Moses went to the pond and parted the water and picked up the ball.” Jesus said, “Give me the seven iron again.” Moses said, “You’ll never clear that pond with a seven iron.” Jesus said, “If Jack Nicklaus can do it, why can’t I?” He swung again and again, the ball fell in the water. So, Jesus said to Moses, “Moses, go get the ball.” But Moses refused saying, “No way, go get it yourself. It’s your ball.” And Jesus walked out onto the water. One of the caddies saw him, went to Moses and said, “Who does he think he is — Jesus Christ?” Moses said, “No, he thinks he is Jack Nicklaus!”

Ask And You Shall Receive

Mrs. Murphy greeted Fr. Smith as she was leaving the Sunday mass. She said, “I heard you are off to Rome, Father.” He said, “Yes, tomorrow.” And Mrs. Murphy said, “Would you say a prayer for me that I’ll get pregnant at last and raise a family?” Fr. Smith said, “I’ll do more than pray. I will light a candle for you in St. Peter’s Basilica. In the meantime, upon his return from Rome, Fr. Smith got reassigned somewhere.

One day, Mrs. Murphy saw Fr. Smith visiting his old parish. She said, “Fr. Smith, Fr. Smith, you are a living saint.” Fr. Smith said, “Why did you say that?” And she said, “I have three boys who are at school, the twins are in the stroller and the two girls are there playing in the yard.” And the priest said, “Glory be to God ! And where’s your husband?” Mrs. Murphy said, “Oh, he’s gone off to Rome to blow out the candle!”

You Can't Take That To Heaven

One day, a man who was ill had called his lawyer, his doctor and his clergy. He said, “I know they say that I cannot take my money to heaven but I will try.” And so, he said, “I’m going to give each $50,000 to you three contained in each envelope. And when they put me in the grave. I’d like you throw each of your envelope with me in the grave.” When the man died, all three of them — his lawyer, his doctor and the priest came to the burial and each one threw his envelope in the grave. Coming home in the limousine, the three nly threw in $40,000.” The lawyer then said, “Me, I kept $20,000 for the Public Defender’s Legal Assitance and only threw in $30,000.” The last one, the priest said, “You should be both ashamed of yourselves. I threw in a check for the whole amount.

The Hungry Lion

One day, a missionary got lost in the jungle in Africa comes face to face with a hungry lion. Too late to run, the missionary sinks to his knees and begins to pray. To his amazement, the lion also goes down on his knees and starts to pray. The missionary exclaims, “It’s a miracle! I had given up hope and now this beast has joined me in prayer!” “Quiet,” growls the lion, “I am saying grace.”

Don't Sleep On Me

The priest felt annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on two consecutive Sundays. So, after the service on the second week, he told the boy who always accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him -- to the boy in private.

“My boy,” said the priest, “Who is that elderly gentleman you attend church with?” The boy said, “That’s grandpa!” And the priest said, “I tell you what, I’ll give you a dollar if you will only keep him awake during my sermon.” The boy agreed and for the next two weeks, his grandpa listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, however, found him soundly asleep.

After the service, the irate priest summoned the boy and said, “I am very angry with you. Your granpa slept on me today. Didn’t I promise you a dollar if you’ll keep him awake?”
“Yes,” replied the boy, “but grandpa now gives me two dollars not to disturb him.”

Pope Driver

During a visit to New York, the Pope climbed into a limo and the driver asked if he needed anything. "Well, son, what I'd really like is to be able to drive myself for a change," His Holiness said. Intimidated by the Pope's status, the driver said OK, but warned, "Please watch your speed through here, your Holiness, this is a notorious speed trap." And so the Pope drove. Then later on in his drive, a highway patrolman flagged him down. So the Pope pulled over. When the highway patrol got to the car, he recognized the Pope in the driver's seat and said, "Uh, just a minute, your Holiness. I'll be right back."
The highway patrol went back to his car and radioed his supervisor, "Uh, I pulled somebody over for speeding. This one is pretty important."
"You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?" the supervisor asked.
"No sir, he's bigger than the mayor."
"It wasn't the governor, was it?" his boss asked.
"No sir, he's bigger than the governor."
"Don't tell me you pulled over the President," the supervisor said."Sir, he's bigger than the President."
"My God, son, who did you pull over?" he asked.
"I'm not exactly sure, but the Pope is his driver!"

Second Coat Needed

The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"

Give Us This Day

The chicken industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off employees.
Industry leaders hit upon a plan: They went to see the Pope and said,
"We'll give a million dollars to the Church if you agree to change the Bible: Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread," change it to "Give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope was outraged and said, "No!"
The chicken leaders said, "Okay, 10 million dollars."
"Absolutely not! I won't tamper with the Word of God!"
After some consultation, the chicken leaders said, "Okay. 100 million dollars and that's our final offer!"
The Pope couldn't turn it down. He accepted.
At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for the Church. The bad news is....we lost the Wonder Bread account ...."

Smart Priest Vs. Smart Machine

A priest from Europe landed at the Kennedy Airport and was fascinated by a weighing machine which reports weight by voice instead of by card. Dropping in a quarter, the priest heard the voice say: “Father, you are 5 feet, 10 inches, weigh 185 pounds and you are taking a plane to Chicago.” Amazed, the priest tried it again twice and got the same answer. Wanting to test the machine thoroughly, he stepped aside, went to the Men’s rest room, took a different overcoat from his suitcase and put it on, took a hat and, likewise, put it on. He went back to the machine and heard this voice: “Father, you are 5 feet, 10 inches, weigh 185 pounds, and while you were changing, your plane just left for Chicago!”

Play Ball

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Cry of the Sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

Spare Ribs

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

It's A Boy !

A chap died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said he wasthe day's lucky customer and he could sit next to anybody in heaven at thedinner party they were having that night. He thought for a while then said he would like to sit next to Mary, mother of Jesus. Later that night, as some people were leaving Mary asked him, "Why, of all people, did you want to sit next to me?" He replied, "I have always wanted to ask you - why in all the paintings, etc. I have seen of you on earth, did you always looked rather sad and never a smile?"She looked at him and said, "Between you and me, I was rather hoping for a girl."

Anointing of the Sick

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across the street from a house of ill repute. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" one ditch digger said. "What's our world coming to when a men of the cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder the young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen are setting for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the house of sin. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of the poor lassess must be ill."

Give Her A Lift

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

High Five

One Sunday, a priest announced that he'd pass out miniature crosses made out of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues the most," he said, "and when you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

As people were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

Long Distance Information

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope were in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi noticed an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chamber.

"What is that phone for?" he asked the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord."

The Rabbi was skeptical and the Pope noticed. The Holy Father insisted that the Rabbi should try it out, and indeed, he got connected to the Lord. The Rabbi held a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up, the Rabbi said, "Thank you very much. This is great, but listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refused but the Rabbi was steadfast and finally, the pontiff gave in. He checked the counter on the phone and said, "All right. The charges were 100,000 Lira or about $56."

The Chief Rabbi gladly handed over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope went to Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he saw a phone identical to his own and learned that it's also a direct line to the Lord.

The Pope remembered he had an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asked if he could use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agreed, handed him the phone, and the Pope chatted away. After hanging up, the Pope offered to pay for the phone charges. This time,
the Chief Rabbi refused to accept any payment. After the Pope insisted, the Chief Rabbi relented and looked on the phone counter and said, "1 Shekel 50 or about $0.42!"

The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."

Knock, Knock !!!

A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on a door several times, but no one answered. He could see through the window that the TV was on, so he took one of his cards and wrote "Rev. 3:20 - Behold I stand at the door and knock: if anyone will open I will come in" on it and stuck it in the door.

The following Sabbath, a woman handed him a card with her name on it and the following message, "Gen. 3:10 - I heard you ..., I was afraid and hid from you because I was naked."

Where Is Jesus Today?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. She wanted to make sure that they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up etc. So, she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary called out and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waiving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long time.

She finally gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

Dieters' Prayer

Strict is my diet, I must not want,
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry,
It leadeth me past the confectioners,
It trieth my willpower,
It leadeth me in the paths of startvation
For my figures sake:
Yea, though I walk in the aisles of the pastry department,
I will buy no sweet rolls, for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
A table is set before me with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids,
My days quota runneth over.
Surely calories and weight charts will
follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.
(Author Unknown)

Dust To Dust

On Ash Wednesday, a little boy went to church with his parents, andlistened intently to the sermon. When they got home, he disappeared into his room for a while, then cameout and went up to his mother. "Mommy," he said "is it true what they said in church, that we came fromdust and we would return to dust." Mother, obviously pleased that Sonny had paid attention, said "Why, yes,it is true." "Well," said the son "you'd better come look under my bed. There's somebody either coming or going."

Senior Programmer Analyst

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. Thisgoes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God astheir judge. They set themselves before their computers and being. They type furiouslyfor several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and Godannouces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has comeup with.Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when thepower went out.""Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, thevoices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yes Jesus'program is intact! How did he do it?"God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

Children's Letters to God

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend -- (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
-Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene

How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7), If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew and Greek.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has never bee able to reproduce his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjetcs.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
16. Some say he had his Son teach the class.

And The Name Is Jesus

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

Second Coming

The Bishop ran into to the Pope's quarters one day and said, "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"The Pope replied, "What's the good news?"The Bishop answered, "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone andwants to speak with you!"The Pope then asked, "And the bad news?"The Bishop replied, "He's calling from Salt Lake City."

Walk On Water

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

Genesis

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point God created Hell.

God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Bible Belief

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

What I Wanna Be

Little Irsla stands up in Catholic Sunday School. Sister Mary asks her, "Irisa, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Irisa replies, "A prostitute."

Sister Mary exasperates, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute." said Irisa.

Sister Mary breaths a sigh of relief as she said, "Good, I thought you said a 'Protestant'."

The Priest and the Cab Driver

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said Saint Peter."And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."

Registered Nurses

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I
worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children. "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God`s
love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren`t going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"

Leave It Up To God

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?" The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!" The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."